It probably comes as no surprise to those who know me best that I really like to be prepared. I've learned in the course of my life that I function with excellence when I am prepared. I crave being able to be thoughtful and intentional with every task and endeavor that I undertake. You may remember my post just a few short weeks ago where I outlined my plan to fast from Facebook, partially in preparation for tomorrow. I wrote:
I feel like 25 marks the beginning of a new era. I really want to go into year 25 intentionally. I want to have a list of things I want to say I am or have done by 30. I really think I need to take a break from vegging out in order to get a clearer grasp on what that means and where I think God is calling me to with the next quarter century of my life.
Now, three or so weeks later, I laid in bed tonight and had a realization.
I turn twenty-five soon.
In 20 minutes if you are losser with when the birthday starts, I have nine hours and 35 minutes if you wait until the moment I was actually born to count it (10:15 a.m. Eastern).
And I have no list. No system. No earth shattering blog post.
I am not prepared. At least, not the way I prepare. I want to push the pause button to keep it from happening until I'm ready! Ironic, since I was actually supposed to be born on May 11th. That means I was born 17 days late. Mom has always said I waited to be born until I was ready.
When I had that realization, I had a flashback to a moment on my campus walk earlier today. I was walking home, and it hit me, that this day, this situation, this birthday, this life, is not at all what I thought it would be. I was struck by how often how things are planned are not the way things actually turn out. On the flip-side, it is always for the better. Casually the verse from Proverbs 19:21 that says "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" thought crossed my mind and I thought that maybe, I should quit trying to plan and figure out how things are going to go.
Later, on the way home from the grocery store a song from Hillsong came on my iPod called "Oceans Will Part". I was moved to tears by the
lyrics:
When I'm blind to my way, There Your Spirit will pray; As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
Oceans will part; nations come, At the whisper of Your call. Hope will rise; glory shown. In my life, Your will be done.
Present suffering may pass, Lord, Your mercy will last; As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand. And my heart will find praise, I'll delight in Your way, As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
Despite all of that, I still found myself upset that I have not prepared enough for the passage of time, and the change of a day on the calendar. Truthfully, whether or not I have a "by 30" to-do list, or not, God's purpose in this passage of time should be my concern.
I need to learn that:
Just because I do not have a to-do list to accomplish, does not mean that I am not prepared.
Just because I do not feel prepared does not mean I am not.
When I feel most unprepared, that is when God's glory will most clearly be seen, and His will, clearly done.
My life purpose has nothing to do with my plans, but everything to do with His Glory.
Two of my instead of Facebook hopes from that
previous post were: "
learn to have the gift of presence. allow the Holy Spirit to develop a quiet spirit within me."
I think the Holy Spirit is working on both those things today. I believe that learning to be less OCD about preparation, means being more present in there right here and now- In the inner workings of the Holy Spirit within my life.
So, from 25 til death, may I remember that the Lord's purpose prevails (Proverbs 19:21), that He is faithful (Deut. 7:9), God has already determined my exact places where I will live (Acts 17:27) and He has prepared me in advance for the work He has called me to do (Eph. 2:10).
What on earth can I do to prepare more?!
Now that it's officially after midnight (central) and now less than 9 hours until the OCD Anniversary of my birth, I leave you with this message my dog wishes to send to my parents in reference to the gift they sent him for my birthday... yes, you read that right.
(He dictated the message, bad grammar and all).
Today, August 31st is my brother's birthday-- he would be 23 this year. I've been thinking a lot about this day for the past couple of weeks. I have wondered what it is going to be like to not be able to call and harass my brother all in the name of wishing him well. I wonder a lot about what it will be like to go through this day.
